don't tell me when to get married

I had to read this Wall Street Journal article twice before I realized it’s not a satire. Author Susan Patton purports that “the cornerstone of your future happiness will be the man you marry.” 

She goes on to say that we should spend far more time in college looking for a husband than planning for our future careers. Of course, because what’s a life without a husband? Everyone knows that it’s impossible to succeed and thrive when you don’t have a husband. Personal fulfillment fails in the face of a man who can do it for you, right?

Patton shares a name with Susan B. Anthony, but that's where the similarity ends. Her article hearkens back to the the pre-WWI era of social inequality and complete reliance on a husband. She wrote a letter to the editor of the Daily Princetonian just under a year ago saying nearly the same thing – forget your education, ladies, because a husband is all you need! In her letter, she emphasizes that college is the best time to start your husband search because “you will never again be around so many smart men.” This is paraphrased from her original letter, which weirdly seems to have disappeared from the Internet.

A cornerstone of feminism is a woman’s right to choose however they want to live. I’m not disparaging those women who do use college as a place to find a husband. I’m a freshman at Boston College now, and it is true that I will never again (except, uh, grad school) be surrounded by so many men (more like boys) with similar credentials to mine.

What I am disparaging is Patton’s idea that all female students who strive to be married should place this concern above their education and future career. This is more than frustrating – it’s concerning. The fact that a professional woman believes that finding a husband is still the ultimate end-goal of college means that, obviously, there’s still progress to be made. Shockingly, it is possible to find intellectuals outside of a college campus. Based on my experience with boys at this school, I hope this isn't the epitome of the opposite sex.

If I spent all my time at this school getting numbers and chasing the business school boys instead of building up my credentials, I would graduate without prospects, even if I did have a future husband. The most troubling part of Patton’s article is her idea that college is a time to find a man to lean on instead of a time to strengthen yourself and be independent.

Popular culture dictates that we marry our college boyfriend, and then take four to six years off work to raise a family in a homey brownstone in a gentrified corner of Brooklyn. Real life dictates that boys in college don’t know what they want and are probably terrified of settling down. The average age of marriage is increasing. Based on what I remember from some Times article I read years ago and my own mental math, it seems like Patton wants us to date someone from 21 until 28 and then get married. 

Basically, we should stay tied to someone during what I see as some of our most independent and formative years – college and the years just after are the time to have jobs, launch careers, meet new people and make connections. It’s the time before settling down that you really have the most freedom to find yourself and become self-reliant. Granted, I’m speaking beyond my years, but from my point of view, it seems like the ideal time to branch out.

            

Patton goes on to say:

An extraordinary education is the greatest gift you can give yourself. But if you are a young woman who has had that blessing, the task of finding a life partner who shares your intellectual curiosity and potential for success is difficult. Those men who are as well-educated as you are often interested in younger, less challenging women. 

The blatant sexism in this piece is remarkable – find a life partner A$AP Rocky, because the men you’re interested in marrying aren’t going to be interested in you once you hit 30 and wither away. But why should I marry a man who’s interested in marrying a younger woman? Why should I settle for someone who is only marrying me because I made finding a husband my sole task? 

Patton reveals that she’s divorced. I don’t want to make any gross speculations on her personal life, but isn’t it possible that she’s divorced because she was so obsessed with finding someone who was her professional and intellectual equal that she failed to notice if they had equal values, beliefs and ideals? Maybe the most important takeaway here is that we should all focus on building our own personal happiness instead of expecting it from our future partner.